I know I’m cheating here b/c this establishment is technically in Berkeley, but it’s close enough and I just pretend it’s in Oakland anyway b/c I don’t like to go to Berkeley b/c Berkeley residents are all goobers who think they’re cool and simpletons who think they’re smart.

But I digress.

First, a disclaimer: this review was conducted sober, which is an automatic red flag b/c I’m pretty sure The Smokehouse exists only to serve the intoxicated. If they had a sub-title on their big red sign it would probably say: Feel Free to Come Here After 7 Beers & a Bowl.

I’ve always respected their scam of charging $.30 more for lettuce and tomatos and mayo and calling that option “deluxe.” Game recognize game, from one hustler to another, so I always go for the deluxe cheeseburger even though I think mayo is disgusting. One of the things they used to have going was their prices: a cheeseburger was $2.10 and fries were a dollar and they kept these prices for at least a decade. But things’ve changed. It cost me $7 for a burger and fries and that’s not going to work. I’d almost rather go to the nasty Jack in the Box a block down the street. Almost. The burger itself was, as always, too thin and small for the bun and obviously recently thawed. Their fries are always solid.

I’m too old to stay up late acting crazy these days but I may have to come out of retirement and take my ‘96 Mazda Protege with no hubcaps (I’m not too old to have that as my car but that’s another story) down Telegraph and stop here one more time. Get that late-night drunken dining experience with the other degenerates, enjoy a decent burger and fries and then never go again. This place is better enjoyed as a memory.